Following The Something That Has No Name

"And I-I, am Gi-iv, ing Up, On Greener Grasses"

2012-01-18T23:17:00.003-06:00

I feel like writing. Which is odd, because that feeling hasn’t happened in awhile, yet I just produced an 87 paged thesis and turned it into the honors office yesterday

And what is more funny is now that I have started, I feel like I have nothing to say and really should delete this whole thing.

It is the red nail polish. I don’t paint my fingernails. Ever. But I have new roommates—great roommates—and all of the sudden I have cherry red, sparkly, shiny, red paint on my fingernails that distracts me every time I turn the page of a book or pick up a pen. I’m in love with it. And I actually put on makeup, and a smile, this morning.

I blame the nail polish.

But maybe it is the New Year. I used to swear I didn’t believe in those. Maybe it is being invited to the final round of Teach for America’s interview process. Getting flowers from Maggie for finishing my thesis. Getting accepted to speak at two, maybe three conferences. Helping to organize another conference. Getting “have a good day” texts from friends. Having my first opportunity to teach a class. Devouring Tolkien again. Learning to pray in my own way. Being genuinely excited about Valentine’s Day for no good reason other than to have an excuse to goof off and wear mismatched socks. Raising my hand in class because I actually did the reading. Knowing I’m going to graduate in three months.

I feel perfectly happy right now. Not because life is perfect, but I just feel at peace with the uncertainty of life at present. Tomorrow it might drown me again, but for today, right now, typing this with bright red, freshly painted nails, I feel like I could basically do anything.

Amen.

2011-09-25T23:04:00.000-05:00

Oh gosh... I need to seriously update this.

In the meantime. I'm back from India, reading like a crazy person, writing my honors thesis, writing my first book, figuring out how to categorize my fifth and last year at BYU, and juggling the challenges of a long distance relationship.

And as always, even on this side of the world, life is an adventure.

The Strange Case of Dr. Keyll and Mr. Hyde by Robert Louis Stevenson

2011-09-25T22:45:00.001-05:00

The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde and Other Tales of Terror by Robert Louis Stevenson

My rating: 3 of 5 stars

Very Frankenstein-esk. I read it in a Scottish modernism class and found some interesting meanings there. The duality within Dr. Jekyll seems to be felt by all of us, and is especially felt by the other characters in this story. We have a vicarious experience trying to divide out our Darwinian selves by seeing Jekyll's life unfold, but at the end of the day we have to accept that we are not "truly two," but still recognize the complexity within the individual.

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23 Things to Do Before I am 23

2011-07-14T09:46:00.001-05:00

Each year I try to make a list of goals to tackle before my next birthday. 22 came and went and here is my review on it, but it is now time to move on to the next year.

23 Things to do Before I am 23.

1.      The End is in Sight- I am going to try and graduate with honors from BYU. It is not an easy goal, but one I can almost guarantee. My honors thesis prospectus is now in and pending approval, and I am on the road to finish my degree in English in April, 2012. Fifth year is a charm.

2.      Reading Goals- I want to have 300 read books on my Goodreads.com account by my next birthday. Within those I would like to read Harry Potter in Spanish, just to keep with it, the Enders Game series, and Leaves of Grass.

3.      Just Five More Minutes…- This year I want to try to wake up with enough time to actually do my hair, put on makeup, and wear something that I feel pretty in. I know I have a lot of clothes, jewelry, etc. but I have never really found getting reading very important. It is something I want to put a bit more effort into when I get back from India.

4.      Call me an English Major- I am terrible at memorizing poems and have not always seen a lot of value in it. I am going to continue with my expired goal from last year and memorize Shakespeare’s Sonnet 116. It is something worth having on a mental file.

5.      Healthy Eating- This is one of those goals you have to be careful about. Not enough structure or direction and it starts looking like the many unfulfilled, ambiguous New Year’s resolutions. For this year I want to take vitamins daily, and not skip the fruits and vegetable isle at the grocery store.

6.      Creative Writing- This is something I always want to do but constantly gets suffocated by other responsibilities and obligations. I want to make it a priority to schedule it out in my day. It does not have to be extensive, but if I want to be a writer I’ve got to start practicing.

7.      What is Another Word for Vocabulary?- I cannot get away with graduating in English and not have a solid vocabulary. This has never been my strong point, and so this year I am going to do one of those “word of the day” things, write it down with the definition three times, and then make sure to use it at least once that day to pound it into my head.

8.      Spelling and Commas and Bears, Oh My!- Again, my diploma from the English department is going to be pretty useless if I cannot even master the basics. I somehow skipped all of the lessons on commas and still have a hard time wielding them. My abysmal spelling, I am convinced, is directly due to spell check. What I am going to start doing is turn off spell check, turn it on, then try to manually go back and fix my errors. This is a big goal, but I am determined to be better at these two things.

9.      Yoga- Now that I have my yoga teacher’s certification, I need to put it to use! Yoga has been really good for me physically and mentally, and I figure this is a great way to stay with it. When I get back I am going to apply to the Quarry I rock climb at.

10. Flexibility- Following up with yoga, I certainly have a ways to go before I can call myself flexible. I could not even touch my toes a month ago. This year I want to be able to not just grab my feet, but lay completely flat on my legs. Yup. Wish me luck. Ouch.

11. Publish- I’d like to try to submit something to publish and make an effort to find publishers who would be willing to. I am not expecting anything, but I think it is a good idea to try and begin my own collection of rejection letters. I have to start somewhere.

12. Website- I have already started the drafting process of my photography website, but it is by time I get it up and running this year.

13. Cooking- I would like to try and cook more often, specifically a nice meal once a month. Along the way I am hoping to gather up some good recipes.

14. 198383838 Words a Minute- This past year I became really interested in speed reading, purchasing a device and everything to help me get there. Towards the end of the semester I started slacking off, but I would like to practice three times a week to improve my reading speed. That would save me so much time in the long run. Free classes are also available at the BYU writing center.

15. Piles of Procrastination- I wouldn’t say that I am a terrible procrastinator, but in this regard I am terrible. I am always on Facebook, reading emails, checking texts, and postponing my responses. By the time I get around to them they have all piled up and created a big giant knot in my head. I know this is creating unnecessary stress for me and wasting a lot of time, so I am hoping to take some time each night to just take a moment and respond so it does not build up.

16. Self Portrait- I have never felt that any photograph of myself really represents me. It is different than having a “good picture,” I want something that says something a little bit more. Probably weird, I know.

17. Wait, What Happened?- Since being in India I have realized how little to nothing I know about eastern history. It reminded me just how ill informed I am in current events, both local and worldwide. To combat this, my friend Kristen recommended I get a iGoogle page where I can keep several different news sources on my homepage. This should help make it more convenient to scout out different sites and be a better world citizen.

18. Self Actualization Weekend- Term coined by my friend Maggie, I want to have one weekend where I turn off my phone, neglect my computer, and head out somewhere by myself with nothing but my books, my pen, and my thoughts.

19. Pictures- So, as many of you can attest to, I am terrible at uploading pictures to facebook. I still have not uploaded pictures from England, Moab, and half of Ghana. I think I should get on that this year before I get even more behind.

20. Club?- I would like to find a club within my major, or one that is just fun, to join. I’ve recently decided that being more involved with the many opportunities BYU has to offer makes my education so much better.

21. Happy Lamp- Elizabeth, one of the girls in my India group, recommended I get one of these to combat seasonal depression. I guess you just turn it on for a few hours each day and it imitates sunlight. Worth a shot.

22. Painting- I love to paint, and I was sad to see that I did not follow up with my goal from last year to do a painting based off of “The Door” by E.B. White. I would like to go through with this idea, but more importantly I think I just want to paint something.

23. Thank you- I have a lot of people in my life that I am grateful for, some that I see every day and others I have never met. Every fast Sunday I would like to take some time and write out a thoughtful thank you to one of those individuals who have helped me along my journey.

A Year in Review

2011-07-14T09:36:00.000-05:00

Each year I have started to make lists of things I want to accomplish before my next birthday- things more specific and less grandiose and unmanageable. I was supposed to do a follow up on my half birthday to check where I was at. I definitely missed a few good ones on the 22 year list, but all in all I feel good about what I was able to accomplish this last year. I am eager to start fresh with my 23 things to do before I am 23 list for this year.

22 Things to Do Before I am 22

1. India- Ghana was a good run, now it is time to take what I have learned and do it all over again in a field study next summer.

Okay, check. Writing this in India.

2. Anxiety Check- It is time to make a conscious effort in managing my anxiety. Whether that is by doing yoga or meditating or working out more, I don’t care; I just need to do something.

I’ve now done yoga, meditation, and more working out. I don’t think overcoming anxiety is something I could just check off, but I think I was able to come to a pretty healthy place during the school year. I’ve had some of the best friendships I have had my entire life which has added to additional support. Rock climbing, I have found, also helps.

3. Journal- If I want to write, I need to do a whole lot more of it. I want to write in my journal daily.

I’ve missed a few, but all in all I feel good about this. Check.

4. Books- This list could be daunting, but I’ve pruned it down to three and a half. Something C.S. Lewis that I haven’t read yet along with his biography on the OED, Death of a Moth, and Leaves of Grass. The .5 is this book on writing poetry, but that way I won’t feel bad if I don’t finish it.

Hmm… the OED doesn’t even have biographies. Oops. I did not read Leaves, Grass of Death of a Moth, or that writing on poetry book, but I did do eight C.S. Lewis books, so that has got to balance out something. The only one I care to carry over into the 2011 list is Leaves of Grass.

5. Konstantine- A Something Corporate song I have kept close to heart for years now, and it is time I found the music for it and learned to play the 10 minute song on the piano.

Thanks to my Patrick, I now have the transcribed music and was able to start learning before I left for India. This is a really big deal to me…

6. The Door- I’ve been working on an idea for a painting based off of E.B. White’s short story for too long now. Incidentally, I have also been meaning to paint something larger than 16x20. Ta da! A plus B equals my next painting.

I didn’t paint a single thing last year. I still like this concept although it has changed a little bit. A painting goal has been added to my 2011 list.

7. Photography- Okay, time to be serious now. Get a website that works, and learn to use professional lighting.

Started making serious headway in my website, but didn’t quite make it to the end. As far as lighting I think I have decided that I prefer natural lighting.

8. Marriage- Ha! Just a joke, but really I can admit that my extreme disgust for marriage is probably unhealthy. So yes, I am auditing marriage prep this semester. Yup. I got a good recommendation, and I’m willing to see what the big fuss is all about.

I read this and I laugh. Seriously, marriage prep changed my life. My entire outlook on the “m word.” And not in a creepy way either. I recommend it to anyone who doesn’t see the value of marriage. I feel completely opposite now.

9. Service- Why don’t I do more of this again? I need to do something routinely, and am leaning towards Rape Crisis through BYU.

Yikes… I tried, but didn’t have a car, so I was not able to join the rape crisis team with Maggie. I looked into other service options but none of them really panned out. I want to do something that resonates with me. Something personal. Any ideas?

10. Vegetables- I never had that magical transformation in your taste buds when you start liking vegetables. Maggie told me that you can make a kid eat vegetables by serving them seven times cooked in the same way. I don’t want to be a picky eater. Gradual exposure therapy will hopefully ease me into onions, tomatoes, and mushrooms.

I have made no headway with mushrooms, tomatoes, or onions, but I have noticed I am doing better with the rest of the vegetable family. I’ve made it a goal to eat healthier in general when I come home from India.

11. Jots- Carrying a small jotting notebook around with me in Ghana was great for research, but even greater as a writer. No more writing on napkin bands or the back of receipts.

Could do better, but I did make it a goal to have it on me. It is fantastic.

12. 116- I hate memorizing. I do. But Shakespeare’s sonnet 116 is something worth having on memory.

Oops, one my 2011 list.

13. Handwriting- It isn’t comforting to look through my journals and see that there is all madness and no method to my inconsistently deformed handwriting. The goal is calligraphy, the more realistic mile marker will be a semi decent signature.

I have noticed I am getting more consistent with my deformed handwriting. I’ve still got a ways to go, but I think this counts for something.

14. Cooking- I have finally realized that there is something satisfying about this activity. To help remember that, I want to cook something once a month to share with friends of family.

I could have done more with this. Something to add to the 2011 list.

15. Who be me?- I have never had a picture taken or drawn or painted or anything that I feel reflects me. This year I want to take or make a representative self-portrait.

Fail. I’ll try again this year. Since my sister, Vannessa, is more into photography maybe I’ll get something out there.

16. What future?- I have to look into options for grad school. Not decide or have a plan, because that is terrifying, but get involved in the process and know what is out there and what I have to do to get there.

I now have a date for graduation. Never thought that would happen. Slowly but surely it all falls into place.

17. Mornings- I have a new appreciation for waking up early. I want to keep it up and say morning prayers and eat breakfast.

Yeah… classes did not start until 2 PM for me. Guess how late I was sleeping in?

18. Vitamins- Nothing to it (or so they keep telling me). Just remember to take them.

Again, added to my healthy eating goals for this year.

19. SID- I want to learn about international development without having to declare the minor, so I figure joining this club will be a good alternative and a way to make new friends with similar interests.

I joined this club, but was not very active, and often become frustrated with the great, helpless enigma of development. I’ll keep going, but I’d like to branch out and also find a new club for my 2011 goals.

20. Un libro por favor- I want to reread Harry Potter. In Spanish.

Since I am now finished with my Spanish courses I need to make sure I get around to this. It is in my 2011 reading goals.

21. Self defense- This one I have a hard time believing will happen, but it really would be useful to know a thing or two about defense.

Totally signed up for self defense AND martial arts when I get back. I’m really excited about that. Thank you to Charity for showing me how to get into it!

22. Hero appreciation- I want to write Greg Mortenson a handwritten letter. Maybe, just maybe if my handwriting is convincing enough (see number 13), I’ll do something with his program someday.

Not too late to do this, but I never got around to it. Unfortunate.

New Blog for a New Adventure

2011-05-02T20:18:00.000-05:00

Hello Friends,

Once again it is that time of year for me to take off on a jet plane! If you want to follow my adventures, visit my India blog. It is boring now, but I promise there will be some interesting stuff posted very soon.

Rachel

La Dama Del Alba por Alejandro Casona

2011-04-13T21:31:00.000-05:00

La dama del alba by Alejandro Casona

My rating: 4 of 5 stars

Esta es mi primero reseña de un libro en español. Sé que es probable que tenga errores, pero fue una experiencia buena. Aprendizaje español ha sido un viaje muy difícil para mí, y es cosas como esto que me recuerdan cuantas he aprendido.

La muerte es un parte do todos vidas. Creo que lo más interesante en La Dama Del Alba es que la muerte es personificada como una mujer—bonita, fría y agradable. Esto es muy diferente de nuestra cultura en los Estados Unidos, y creo que es un factor muy importante en la cuenta. Sin embargo, la muerte representa mucho más que esto. Hay muchos papeles del la muerte en La Dama Del Alba, pero lo más interesante es que la muerte se representa como un castigo, una puerta para encontrar una vida mejor y soluciones a todos los problemas, y también que la muerte es como expresar amor verdadero.

Muchas veces, creemos que la muerte es un castigo. Es muy triste en casi todas las situaciones. En La Dama Del Alba, la madre es un personaje que es un ejemplo de esto. No entiende por qué Angélica está muerta, y cree que es una tragedia terrible. La madre no escucha a Telva y otros porque cree que la muerte de su hija es más seria y triste que todo en el mundo. Porque ve la muerte de Angélica de esta manera, piensa que es un castigo y especialmente triste.

Otro ejemplo del papel interesante de la muerte en la cuenta es que ella represente la posibilidad de ser más feliz, como una solución a los problemas. Angélica es una persona en la cuenta que puede entender esto. Piense que es mejor suicidarse que vivir con la vergüenza de sus acciones. También, Adela puede entender la muerte sobre una solución a sus problemas. Adela tenía una vida muy triste, y ella pensaba que la muerte era una mejor opción. No sabemos lo que sucede después de la muerte, pero muchas veces personas creen que tiene la posibilidad de ser más feliz porque la vida es muy dura y difícil.

Otro papel de la muerte en La Dama Del Alba es que puede significar una manera de demonstrar amor verdadero. Este es un tema tan viejo como el tiempo. Hemos visto esto en Romeo y Julieta y en muchos otros ejemplos. Otra vez, nos encontramos el mismo tema en La Dama Del Alba. Adela quiere suicidarse otra vez porque le ama a Martín y no puede casarse con él. Ella pensó que era más romántico a suicidarse que vivir sin él. Afortunadamente, no lo hizo, pero creo que es un tema importante en la cuenta y en muchas otras que representa amor verdadero.

La muerte, o La Dama Del Alba, es un papel que es muy compleja e interesante. Creo que es un tema muy importante en la cuenta y en todos aspectos de la vida. Alejandro Casona sabía que la muerte es complicada y que es entendida por todos. Por eso, escribió esta cuenta bonita.

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A Call to Conscience by Martin Luther King, Jr.

2011-04-05T11:41:00.000-05:00

A Call to Conscience: The Landmark Speeches of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. by Martin Luther King Jr.

My rating: 4 of 5 stars

This reading has given me much to think about. I think most are half formed thoughts and fragmented responses that I will have to wait till class to really flesh out, but there are certain things that I could definitely identify as I read Dr. King’s speeches. These are just a few of the main observations I made.

First, I think that it is really important to look at this speeches as just that—speeches. There is a certain rhetoric about speaking and it does not always translate exactly when you print it on a page. I think that these were meant to be heard, and not necessarily read, in order to get the whole impact. This book tries to do a good job at translating the oral medium into print by adding different italics or parenthesis that contain the response of the audience, but there is something much different about reading about a clap and hearing about it or participating in it. I think that something helpful for me would be to go and try to listen to some of these speeches to get a more enriched experience.

Just by way of observation, there are several tactics that Martin Luther King, Jr. does to let us know this is supposed to be heard and not just read. Like his famous “I Have a Dream” speech, he seems to use repetition for emphasis and aesthetic value. For example, in “I’ve Been to the Mountaintop” the repeating phrase is “If I had sneezed” (221), and “Where do we Go from Here” is “Let us be dissatisfied” (196). He uses this rhetoric device at the end of the speech as a way to pump people up.

Another thing that I noticed throughout the reading was that there was a lot of religious symbolism in the messages he talked about. Through many of the speeches, the image of the Israelites fleeing Egypt was used. He had no problem mentioning God, Jericho Road and the Good Samaritan (218-219), and there was clearly an appeal to the religious listeners to open their hearts to what he was fighting for.

Something else that I think is worthy of mentioning is the fact that there were plenty of great speeches Dr. King made that seem to go completely overshadowed by the “I Have a Dream” speech. We never get a chance to hear about these others, and I am grateful for the opportunity to be exposed to them. I can’t help but wonder why this is the case though.

One of my favorite speeches, maybe even more so than “I Have a Dream,” was “The Birth of a New Nation.” I have a lot of personal strings attached to this because it is all about the liberation of Ghana from the British Empire, and how that applies to the human rights movement. Having spent the summer in Ghana and looked at how their nation was both flourishing and struggling since their liberation fifty years ago, I was captivated by what Dr. King had to say. I have seen the slave Castles on this exploited “Dark Continent” (18). I have stood inside the slave cells and felt the horror of what happened there on the Gold Coast. I am glad that Dr. King reminded us that “Ghana has something to say to us” (29). I know that it has certainly said something to me.

Another great part of this speech was the commentary on nonviolent resistance, or “positive action” (31). Like Gandhi and others we are studying, this is something I am thirsting to know more about. Dr. King, however, reminds us that like Ghana’s example, “freedom never comes on a silver platter” (33). We have to be willing to do something about it. It is up to the individual to make the difference.

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What does war, roller skating, and RC Willey have in common? Me.

2011-03-31T20:29:00.005-05:00

I have recently talked about the nightmares from Larium I have been having, but I do not believe I have exhausted the subject of dreams-though I am exhausted because of them. We sleep 1/3 of ours lives away. Anyone ever wonder what we are doing during that time? I've decided that once in awhile I just need to flesh them out on paper. Sometimes I like to play with some silly interpretations on dreammoods.com. Anyways, here is one I had last night. Some names have obviously been changed.

Somehow I run into Professor B., my research faculty mentor, outside of class. He explains that his son is outside the door and kind of hints that he is single. I do not want to go out with him, but I decide that I will. I leave the room and go up to this boy. He looks very different than the pictures that I saw of him on facebook. His hair is long, brown and disheveled instead of a short, red head missionary cut. I am embarrassed. I tell him this is awkward. He agrees, but we decide to go rock climbing for our date.

I do not remember much of what happened climbing, but I know that we were bouldering. Chase was there, and maybe Rachel. Professor B’s son came late, said something inappropriate that I do not remember, and then started to freak me out. I started to climb so that he would stop. It is only after I got down that I realized I was climbing in my black sweater dress—a really cute, sexy black dress I bought when I worked at Charlotte Russe, but feel slightly uncomfortable in because it is a little short. Chase gives me a hard time when I come down, and I am mortified that I wore a dress climbing, especially with this particular young man. Somehow my date is gone. I tell my friends that he was coming onto me, and I don’t remember the end of it.

I am somehow at this boarding school, but it is more like a University. There were thousands of people, but it did not look a thing like BYU. We were having some kind of ball, and the boy I really wanted to be there was clearly not showing up. I am sad about this in the dream, and keep checking my phone for any texts that might have gone astray. Somehow I did miss one that seemed to hint that if he were to show up, he would have danced with me. This makes me feel a little bit better.

While at the dance, I never seem to meet or dance with anyone. I know I feel pretty, but I do not remember what I am wearing or why. I just remember noting the girl in front of me, possibly a roommate, wearing a sleeveless purple dress that did not fit her back right. I was not a fan, but I did not have the heart to tell her.

Things change a lot from here. Somehow war has broken out. I do not remember the specifics, but I do remember there being some kind of peace treaty that fell through. It seemed to come on after church. That same boy that I liked at the dance was walking through the halls in order to pick up his little sister from primary. I just went outside and put on some roller blades. (Yeah.. what the heck?)

I start skating fast, weaving in-between people and not minding the danger of falling down on the gravel. I recognize how fast I am going, but realize that my right foot does not have the break I wanted it to have, and just forget all about it until that same boy came and found me near a tree. He compliments me on my skating skills, but we don’t get far into that conversation before we notice that there is a standing army in camouflage marching onto the hill. There are lines of these men for miles and miles. No one scatters immediately, confused because we thought of the peace treaty, but finally we all dash off.

I dart into something like a public bathroom. I tried to hide in the shower, but I was never feeling very confident about that hiding place. I am with one other girl. Suddenly my cousin, JH, comes riding through on a bike. We do not know if he is the enemy (and I think we even thought German was the enemy at this point), and so we interrogate him. Naturally, since he is my cousin, I am more hopeful that it is not the case. He nervously rides his bike tire over my foot and then finally explains that he is just a “pansy white boy.” I am ashamed, but decide to give up my hiding spot in the shower so that he can have shelter. I then take off one of my roller blades and give them to him, explaining that if he should get into combat, hitting someone over the head with one of them would be a choice weapon.

Suddenly I do not exist and am looking at the life of a little boy and his friend. I do not remember what happened with the, but later in the dream I see him chained to his friends dead body in some kind of cave. Suddenly a rock comes flying out of the sky and breaks the handcuffs just as water is flooding in. The boy escapes, never looking back at the dead body of his friend. This happened throughout my dream, like a foil or side story or something. Weird.

Then we come back to me. I am in some kind of store like RC Willey and there is a woman at a computer monitor asking if anyone speaks Spanish. I tell her a little, although I feel like I should have let on that I know more than that. I come over, and she tries to get me to help her with a computer problem she is having. I am speaking Spanish by now, but the computer problem is only getting worse. All of her documents have turned into little tiny screen windows and some of them even go black and flickery. I tell her it is no use, just as someone comes in behind me. I am, for whatever reason, trying to impress this person with my mad Spanish skills, but just like that I start losing the right words and look like an idiot.

I keep trying to help this woman though. I guess the real problem was not her computer, but rather some kind of sickness with her pregnancy. She is laying down on a table, wearing a black shirt stretched tight over her pregnant stomach, and is explaining to me that she has a bladder infection and needs to change into more comfortable pants. I help her, but I notice that the brand of her jeans are called “N. Henry.” I excitedly explain how interesting that is because they are the name of one of my friends. She does not seem too interested. In fact, she seems annoyed at my Spanish and can now magically speak English. I decide to leave her. We are in a war after all.

I keep thinking about the pants with N’s name on them. I then remember that he had texted me something earlier that day or something, but I could not be certain it was him because I put his name into my phone wrong. I assume that maybe he likes me.

Somehow I am running along a coastline. I remember wearing pearl earrings, but one had fallen out. I was worried that it would seal off my freshly pierced ears, and I wondered if I should take the other one out so that it was even. I did not have time to resolve that problem, because suddenly I see birds coming in, but they look much more like fighter jets. Both seem perilous to me in my dream, and I naturally know that both are the enemy. I decide to hide in the ocean until they pass. I duck under the water, but the birds decide to take a rest there. I knew that they would need that rest since they had just flown across the entire ocean, but I did not know it would take them a whole day! I kept hiding in the lake, and in my dream the background colors change as the sun moves position in the sky. It was clear that a lot of time had passed and I was very frustrated. Finally, they leave, and I start on the move again.

After wandering for some time, I stumble upon a well-groomed public park. There are all kinds of people there celebrating, and I wonder if the war is over but I failed to get the message. I go to the far corner of the park and find that my extending family is there. Both my mom and my dad’s side. Grandpa Rueckert tries to give me a hug, but I turn my back towards him and do not give him a hug back. He does not seem to notice. I also see Grandma Arlene coming in and giving Grandpa Taysom a hug. She is crying. People around me say that it is because she has been praying, but they say it in almost a taunting tone. I try to ask if the war is over, but no one gives me a straight answer. I then assume that a lot of us would not be coming back to this park alive, so I start to inquire about my brothers. No one has seen Michael or Daniel, although I tell them I had seen Daniel a day or too earlier. (Was he the boy chained to the other boys body?). They assure me that he will call. I was not convinced.

I remember feeling dejected and removed from my family and on guard from the war.

Then I woke up.

2011-03-29T04:10:00.001-05:00

...It's to dying in another's arms, and why I still keep trying it...
(...but it's 11:11)

Man's Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl

2011-03-24T23:39:00.001-05:00

Man's Search for Meaning by Viktor Emil Frankl

My rating: 5 of 5 stars

This is a very different account that whan we are accustomed to when dealing with the atrocities of the Holocaust. Viktor E. Frankl strikes me as a man of strength, both mentally and spiritually, to be able to write such an optimistic, beautiful book about such an ugly history. By the end of it, I cannot help but ask myself, “in his position, given his luck but also his circumstances, could I have survived a concentration camp?”

Something that Frankl takes very seriously in this account is the power of the mind to overcome despairing situations. He gives several examples of people whose physical bodies gave out when their mental strength collapsed. To me, the most striking account was the man who dreamed that their liberation was coming. Yet, as that day approached, and there was nothing to cling to for hope, he sunk into delirium and died the next day. This example shows just how interconnected the mind and the body are, and how the strength of both is required to overcome hardship.

Frankl himself relied a lot on his mental strength to get through the horrendous days. He retreats into his secret mind several times in order to talk to his wife, who at the time he did not realize was dead. When bringing his thoughts of his “own wife to mind,” he realized that “the salvation of man is through love and in love,” and that the mental picture of that can be even more powerful than “the physical person of the beloved” (37-38). His experience in the concentration camps taught him that no matter what the circumstances, mental and “spiritual freedom—which cannot be taken away” make “life meaningful and purposeful” (67).

He goes through the stages of apathy, numbness, etc of the prisoners and yet sprinkled into this account there are some strikingly optimistic accounts. One powerful example of that was when the beautiful sunset was pointed out to him, reminding him “how beautiful the world could be” (40). Yet, the words he uses to describe the sunset are very troubling, such as “sinister clouds” and a “blood red” color (40). I think this is extremely appropriate to show that this is not merely a matter of being romantic in a moment, but rather it shows the complexity and depth to the situation. This image intensifies the power that the simple observation of something beautiful could still exist and be recognized despite everything.

I feel like this is a great metaphor for the lessons that the book talks about as a whole. How can we be optimistic about human nature or existence when things like the Holocaust happened (and still happen)? How can a man who experienced such hardships end a book with the phrase that we need not fear anything “except…God” (93)? Talking to a friend who served his mission in Germany, this idea of God seemed even more striking to me. To this day, decades later, people are hesitant to hang up their German flags. The subject of God is dismissed from polite conversation. As Dr. Keal mentioned in his lecture of the post war poets, people cannot imagine the idea of a compassionate deity who allowed such things to happen.

I have never endured a concentration camp. I have never smelt the burning bodies or watched as everyone around me fell dead from the impossible situation. I cannot imagine what it would be like to be one of the surviving victims and to still express belief in God, and for this reason this book was so powerful for me. As Frankl mentions, suffering is subjective and cannot be measured outside of an individual, and in that sense I have tasted of human suffering in some capacity. Yet, if Frankl can still believe in God after all of this, who am I to ever raise the question again?

So being someone who has never endured something like the Holocaust, how can I apply these lessons into my own life and daily experiences? I think that Frankl would have many things to say about that, but one of the most poignant arguments was that “suffering in and of itself is meaningless; we give our suffering meaning by the way in which we respond to it” (x). This is something I can grab onto. No matter what life hands me, I always have the agency to decide how it will impact me.

View all my reviews

"Love Hurts, But Sometimes It's A Good Hurt"

2011-03-21T01:06:00.000-05:00

"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket--safe, dark, motionless, airless-- it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. That alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation. The only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell." -- CS Lewis from The Four Loves.

What the Doctor Failed to Tell Me

2011-03-16T10:58:00.002-05:00

Almost a year ago, I went into a doctor to be put on an anti-malarial medication before going to Ghana. He insisted that I go on a drug called Larium (Mefloquine). Having heard various horror stories associated with the drug, I questioned him and proposed the various less risky drugs (Doxycycline, etc). Again he claimed that Larium was the better option. I was not too convinced, but I went with it.

The side effects were almost immediate. From the ridiculously long list of possible problems, I was subject to extremely vivid dreams, mood swings, thoughts about death, "bizarre behavior," and once, a hallucination. Considering the rest of them, I lucked out.

What I did not know? That the drug is going to stick with me. Sure I cannot give blood for 10 years, but will I have nightmares for the same amount of time? Why didn't I know about this?

Confused by why I am still not sleeping without riding dinosaurs, hashing out failed relationships, fighting the Hindu goddess Kali, or escaping genocide, I decided to look up some reviews. Here is a less than comforting list of some of the comments:

Do not take this drug. It is poison.